11:08 PM
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Dear Julio,
I went to Cedar Point with my family today. Except my sister didn't come, so it was a more relaxing trip than a bothersome one. We had a lot of fun. I even got my parents to go on Millenium Force, and my brother, too! We went on the Blue Streak, Iron Dragon, Wildcat, and Millie as a family. I got my brother to go on Maverick with me. He loved it. Maverick is probably my favourite coaster. I can't decide, actually. I think my list goes Raptor, Maverick, Millie, but I don't know.
I took my mom and brother on Ocean Motion, because my mom loves that ride. Oh, and we all went on Disaster Transport as a family. We had lunch at Johnny Rockets, and my dad won me an elephant! We played one of those guessing games, and the girl guessed my dad's age was 43. When he heard, he said, "Man, the five dollars was worth just the compliment!" because my dad is 50. He did have his hat on, though, so you couldn't tell that he was bald or grey. Haha.
My brother wanted so badly to go on Top Thrill Dragster. The only reason we didn't go on was because we didn't really have time. My dad didn't want to stay the whole night, which was cool with me. We ended up leaving at about nine. But I have to tell you something funny. My brother and I waited in line for Maverick for an hour. That was the wait time for it. When we got to the bottom of the stairs to get up to the platform, Maverick went down mechanically. We waited there another fifteen minutes, and it was back up again.
We got up on the platform, and got in line for the second seat. Our train came in, and we loaded it, and then just as they were about to launch us, they unlocked our harnesses and made us get out and get back in line. Maverick went down mechanically again, but that time it was because somebody was shaking the gates, and if one of the gates opens while the ride is moving, it stops the ride completely. We didn't wait more than ten more minutes before we got our ride. My parents watched us from down by the entrance, and they saw us flip upside down. My brother loved it. He was so afraid of going upside down on a ride, but now he loves it. On the way out, he wanted to tackle Raptor, but we didn't have time. Which was sad, because it's my favourite ride. (:
Overall, I did have an awesome day with my family. I'm supposed to go see The Last Airbender with Nils tonight, though, but his mom is being a bitch and won't let him out of the house again. I don't know if I'm going to get to see my best friend at all this summer, because every time we want to go out, his mom won't let him out. I don't know if she doesn't like me, or what, but it seems like it's only me that he doesn't let her go out with sometimes.
Anyway. I think I'm going to go to bed. I love you, baby.
Love and miss you terribly,
Nicole
7:55 PM
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Dear Julio,
I'm going with Nils and my sister to see The Last Airbender at midnight tomorrow night. My family is also going to Cedar Point tomorrow--without my sister. Which might end up in my favour, I'm not really sure yet. But I'm so excited! I know that you and I were planning on seeing that movie, but well, you sort of left me for the Army, remember? Haha.
I talked my dad and brother into going on the Millenium Force with me. I hope neither of them back out, because I really want to go on it. I've done all the roller coasters I did with you, twice, except for a few. I haven't done Dragster again, yet. Or Gemini. But I can't stop going on Raptor--that one is my favourite! I also love Maverick, and I do really like Millenium, too. I know that one's your favourite, so it's in my top five! Also in my top five? Blue Streak and Wicked Twister, I think. I haven't decided yet. My top three are set, though. (:
I miss you so much! I can't wait to see you again--and I hope you respond to my most recent written letter as soon as you can. I want to know the exact date you're done training so I can come down and see you. And make sure that your parents know, too, because I'm only allowed to go with them. I don't want to drive across four or five states and make my parents angry. Also, I don't want to do all that driving on my own, anyway. I almost went crazy having to drive merely an hour and a half from Cedar Point. Even the drive from Akron bothers me sometimes.
I'm just getting really excited to see you. One month, one week and six days, baby! I can't wait. I love you so, so much. I miss you more than you could imagine, but I'm surviving. Be proud of me.
Love and miss you, baby,
Nicole
2:15 PM
Monday, June 28, 2010
Dear Julio,
I got two letters from you today! Not one, two! And one of them had two letters in it! You don't know how excited I was when I got two letters from you in the mail today. I love you so much, Julio. Why did I ever doubt you? I want to be with you forever and ever and ever and I never want to be apart from you ever again. When you get home, I don't ever want to leave your side, but I know we won't be able to spend all our time together. But at least let me spend the night a few times, and you come stay with me in my super-comfortable bed, in my new house. (:
I can't wait until you come home, Julio. I miss you so much. You're in my prayers every night, and you're in my heart and mind every second. Just over one month and a week until I get to see you, baby. I wish I was there with you right now, but I know I can't be. Let me know about when I can come down to see you, if I can earlier. You said something about four days before graduation... That would be so awesome if you'd let me come down then. We'd have so much fun! I love you so much. Write me soon!
Love and miss you,
Nicole
1:37 PM
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Dear Julio,
Mom got mad at us again today for not going to church. It was one of the priest's last days. He's getting a divorce and wants to get remarried one day, and in the eyes of the church, that's not right. So he has to leave the priesthood. That kind of sucks, because he was really awesome. He's the reason I kind of got myself back into my faith. I don't much like the other priest. He does too much teaching and talking. But anyway.
You know what I hate the most about Sundays? No mail. I want so badly to get another letter from you... I miss being able to hear your voice in my head, and know what you're doing and what you're thinking. I hate not being able to talk to you every day. Do you think this is strengthening our relationship, being away from each other? Because I've been missing you like hell. Since I don't know what you're doing over there, it's really tough for me. I mean, you could be falling for someone else. There are pretty girls there, aren't there?
Whatever, I'm not going to bore you with all of that. I'm actually going to go. I don't really have much to say today. Maybe I'll post later, if not tomorrow.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:19 PM
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Dear Julio,
We went to a really fancy restaurant for dinner tonight. I had filet mignon. It was way too rare in the middle, though. So when they took it back to the kitchen and brought it out again, they put more vegetables and potatoes on my plate. That was kind of cool. But the fun of the night was short-lived when my aunt Yvonne and my yiayia decided that they were going to talk to me about why I wasn't majoring in music anymore.
Yiayia is so upset with me, it makes me want to cry. Yvonne thinks I'm stupid for choosing to go through with an associate's degree. It hurts that nobody in my family is supportive of me. You're supportive, aren't you? You think this is a good idea, right? I mean, they think that going into wedding planning is an unsafe and unprofessional business. Nobody is proud of me anymore. When I told Yiayia that I didn't want to teach she goes, "You don't have to teach! Just play!" I told her I wasn't good enough, and she got angry with me for putting myself down. It's the truth though. I could never make it in a professional musician's world. For Christ's sake, professional musicianship isn't a career! It's unsafe and unstable! Whereas I could always find a job cooking somewhere--everyone needs food! Ugh. This just angers me. So badly.
And if my bad day wasn't going bad enough, I had my iTouch on shuffle on the drive home, and both versions of our song came up. Both. Plus like three or four songs that reminded me of you, most of which were slow and sad. Let me tell you how close I was to crying in the car. So. So close. Instead, I cry now, while I write you this letter.
Julio, I want you home. I need you here. It hasn't even been a month yet, and I just want you back by my side. I miss your hugs, your kisses, just your hand in mine. I miss you touch, your smell, the way you feel against me. I just miss you. Why did you have to leave? Why? I need you here. It's so hard to survive without you. Come home to me...
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:19 PM
Friday, June 25, 2010
Dear Julio,
I've been watching a lot of wedding shows lately, because my family really loves watching them. But in all seriousness, I love watching them, too. I've realised that I really, really want to design and plan weddings. I think it will make me happy. Weddings make me happy, and I feel that doing something that would make me happy for the rest of my life is so much better than doing something that won't make me happy. I might do just the wedding planning, or I might do catering on top of it. I haven't decided yet. But I'm still going to get my culinary degree, because I'm not going to deal with switching majors again. Plus, if the wedding planning fails, which I sure hope that it doesn't, I'll always have a back-up. That's nice, right?
I'm really excited for this. Seriously. And I want you to back me through it, okay? Promise me that you'll stay with me through all of this. I'm for sure going to be there for you while you decide what you're going to do, whether you stick with the National Guard for your life, or become a dentist (wasn't that your last idea?).
But... Speaking of being together forever, I need you to know something. From the beginning, you and I have been rushing everything. From having sex to getting married, everything is being rushed. I've been talking to people lately about marriage and getting married and things like that... Because the night that we last talked on the phone, the night that we had our really big fight, you told me that you promise you were going to prove to me how much you loved me, when you got home. You said that you just had to figure out how to do it first.
My first thought was that you were going to propose when you get home. At first, I was excited, enthusiastic, and so ready for you to do it. But I now realise that by then, we'll only have been dating for a year and three months. I don't think that's long enough. We may know that we want to be together forever, but maybe... Maybe we need a little more time. I know that the longer we wait, the farther apart we may grow, but I also believe that since we've spent so much time apart, everything will be okay when we're together again. We won't spend every waking moment together when you get home, and we'll be able to tolerate each other without fights.
You'll even have time to figure out what you want, and I'll have time to get my career started, possibly even established, before we get engaged. Don't get me wrong. I want to marry young. But I don't want to be three months off of twenty when I'm engaged. I'm still a teenager. My parents would kill me if we got engaged this early in our relationship. Wait until I'm twenty-one. I want to be married by the time I'm twenty-three or twenty-four. I think I know that for sure. So maybe... Maybe we'll get married on September 5 of 2014. But, that doesn't mean we can't have a long engagement. Maybe you can propose to me on my twenty-first birthday and we'll be engaged for two years before we actually get married.
I'm just excited that I'll be able to plan my own wedding. I know I'll be stressed out because all of the work will be on me, but maybe I'll even have a partner by then, so I won't have to worry about all the details. But I'll know exactly what I want and who to get it from. That's what excites me.
Why am I thinking about weddings so much? Ugh. I want to stop. I do. But I'm excited that weddings are going to be my whole life. I just wanted you to know that I don't think we're ready to get engaged. Yet. But soon, when we mature a little bit more and have spent more time together and even apart, we'll be ready for this. I know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, and I know you'll choose the perfect time and way to propose to me. I want to be surprised. I don't want to tell you, "Okay, I'm ready to marry you. Ask me now." I swear, we'll know when the right time is. We'll know. We'll be ready. Just make sure it's not too soon. I love you. We'll be together forever. And ever. Forever and ever, babe. Remember?
I love you. You're my whole life.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:22 PM
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dear Julio,
Today has been the weirdest day. Everyone was angry with me, like always, but I still managed to make them dinner. I made two different types of sandwiches: buffalo chicken paninis and chicken pesto paninis. We had my mom's summer salad and just plain old chips. Then I made chocolate quesadillas for dessert! It was glorious. But that was pretty much the best part about my day.
Something really, really bad happened today, and I want to tell you about it, but I can't. I'm afraid it will hurt you too badly, and I don't want you to hurt. I'm also afraid you might break up with me because of it. I guess I'll just have to deal with it. You'll probably find out eventually, if I don't forget in six months. I won't be telling you about this until I see you in person.
I've been texting Mariana today. We don't really talk about much, but she listens to me when I complain about missing you, and she always makes me feel better. She's a great person, and I'm glad we get along. She's doing some scholarship program at OSU for the month, and she sort of hates it and just wants to come home. So while she comforts me, I comfort her, and we've decided that we're going to spend some time together during the school year, and sometimes in the summer when I take trips to see your family, and my friends and whatnot.
Today, while we were talking about how we needed to hang out, she goes, "I know, I need some girl time with my future cousin-in-law." That made me laugh. I asked her if your family really says things like that about us, and she said she doesn't spend enough time with the family to know what they say, but she doesn't doubt it. Do you think that's a good thing? I hope your family likes me as much as you lead on. I'm sure within time, my family will like you, too.
You know, I love you more than anything. No matter what happens. I always want to be with you, no matter what. Just like that letter says that I wrote you today. All I want in life is to be with you forever. You're my Julio, nobody else's. I've come to like the sound of my first name with your last, and I'm looking forward to bearing you children and having a wonderful life with you, even if we don't end up moving to South Carolina and traveling somewhere glorious every summer. I just want to be with you. Is that okay?
Love and miss you,
Nicole
5:57 PM
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Dear Julio,
Hi, baby. I miss you so much. I got two letters from you today, and one of them had three letters in it again! I love getting surprises like that from you. I want to get letters from you ever day, just like I sent letters to you every day. I've started sending one every day! I know how much you love getting them. Ever since you told me how worried you were that I hadn't sent you anything, I've taken to writing you at least once every day, if not twice or three times. I already sent you a letter today, but I'm thinking about sending you another one.
How quickly are my letters getting to you? Two or three days? Assuming that you sent today's letters on Monday, it only took me two days to receive them, which isn't too bad. I've been looking forward, every day, to getting mail from you. Keep sending me mail, and try your hardest to write me every day! I love seeing that you're thinking about me and caring about me enough to write me a letter to tell me how much you miss me and love me, or what you're doing out there.
I hope you're doing all right. I hope you're losing weight and gaining muscle and staying strong, even though you miss me. Honestly, I hope you don't miss me too much. What I'm more concerned about is that you continue to love me. Because if when we see each other, you don't love me anymore, I don't know what I'd do with myself. I won't be able to make it if you and I aren't together anymore. You're my favourite person, and the most important thing in the world to me. I need to be with you to survive. You may question why I love you so much, but I've told you time and time again all the reasons that I love you. Don't you ever forget any of them.
Oh, yeah. I had Chipotle today. Be jealous. (:
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:51 PM
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Dear Julio,
I didn't really do much today. I've been waiting around to get a letter from you. I'm really paranoid that you sent my next letters to Cedar Point because you didn't get any of my recent ones in time. I hope that you get one of my letters before you send me another one. I just would love to hear from you, though. It's getting pretty ridiculous that I've already spent three weeks away from you. It'll be a month soon. Next week, I think. Yeah, next Friday it will be one month since you've been away. And then the sixth will mark a month from the last day that we spoke to one another. I can't believe I've survived almost a month already. One month, two weeks and five days until I get to see you, baby. I can't wait.
Do you know that I've been calling your voicemail whenever I miss you too much? Yeah, your voicemail has, well, your voice on it. So whenever I'm feeling lonely, I call your phone, get your voicemail immediately (since it's turned off) and I listen to it, missing your voice. I miss you so, so much. I can't wait to see you again.
I'm getting really nostalgic for marching band! I want to go back to school so badly. I hate being home, I really do. I just want to be back in Akron with all my friends, and your family, and even your friends! I'm hoping to get a chance to hang out with them sometimes. I dunno if I'll be able to, but I know I'm going to Ben's soon so that he can teach me how to edit videos. As soon as I get your money from Dan, I think I'm going to buy a video camera. I honestly can't wait, but I'm going to have to wait for another two weeks, because he's doing his two weeks of work with the national guard. I should have asked him last week. =/ Oh, well.
So my family was supposed to go to Cedar Point tomorrow, but my sister has to work--at McDonald's--did I tell you she got a job there? Haha. She kind of hates it but she's all, "It's to make money." I don't even know why she needs money! She says, "It's precautionary." Because she even knows what that word means. And then she yelled at me for always asking my parents for money. Whatever, they offer to give it to me.
So... It's late. Like, almost midnight late, and I'm... Horny. Like, I haven't been horny since you've been gone, but tonight, I did some stumbling, and hey, I found some naked pictures. Naked women make me horny. (You're the only naked man that makes me horny. ;D ) So, I think I'm going to look at a few videos and go take care of some things. It kind of makes me upset that even thought you're gone, I still get these feelings. I'm trying not to, I swear! I want to save all of my sexuality for you. Hahaha.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
9:39 PM
Monday, June 21, 2010
Dear Julio,
I went to Meredith's horseback riding lesson today. I'm going to start going to her lessons every time she goes, and I'm going to ride with her. I'm going to learn to jump and canter and Meredith even wants me to join the equestrian team at Akron in the spring. There are four or five shows then compared to only one in the fall, and we have marching band anyway. She told me with my past experience with horses, our lessons, and her extra help, that she thinks I could do well in competition as long as I try hard. And if we join the team, we get to ride for free, which is really cool.
Her lessons instructor is actually the coach at Akron. I talked to her today and she's really excited to have me taking lessons with her. The only thing is, they're on Mondays. Hopefully she'll be willing to change the day because I have my seven-hour lab in the kitchen that day. I'm really excited, though. You should be proud of me.
I miss you, though. I've been talking about you a lot lately. I even talked to Dan today; he asked me for your address, so expect some letters from him. As soon as he gets done with his summer work for the National Guard, he's going to give me the five hundred dollars that he owes you. Since you said that I could spend it how I want, I'm going to buy my video camera with it. I'll be able to get a nice one, which is sweet. I can't wait to start recording videos, and learning to edit them with Ben's help. It won't be for two weeks, though, but I'm cool with that.
One month and three weeks until I get to see you, baby. Don't think I haven't been counting down every single day. I have been. I miss you so much, and I can't wait to see you. I hope you've talked to your parents, to tell them to talk to me about what we're going to do. Like I told you, the vacation might be a tight squeeze, unless I go myself. Then again, I'm going to be driving down to Akron to meet them, so I don't really think my parents would know if I ended up just going the whole way by myself so I don't cut your parents' vacation short.
We could even leave earlier, and I could just move into my house on the 13th, and have everything packed up and ready to go before I leave for vacation with your family... Either way I'm sure we'll figure it out. I'm planning on going down to Akron soon. I want to see your family, and our friends. And I want to bring Mrs. Galada some cupcakes. My mom bought me a new cupcake cookbook! It's awesome, and has some really good designs and ideas in it. I made my carrot cupcakes today. They didn't puff up like they were supposed to, but that was probably because I forgot to switch them halfway through baking, like I knew I would. Oh, well. I also think that the consistency of my cream cheese frosting was inaccurate. I'll learn eventually, though, right?
I'm excited to start a new book, but I don't know what I want to read, yet. I might reread some of my favourite books from last year. Or I might read a bunch of short ones so that I could feel accomplished with myself. I know one thing's for sure, though. I have to start trying on old clothes, and throwing away what I don't want and what doesn't fit. Then I'm going to start packing up my winter clothes to take to the house with me. And other things that I know I'm going to want with me, like my desk light and printer and things like that that I know I'll need, but don't require the use of right now.
My hair is getting long again. My highlights are really light and bright since I've been out in the sun so often. On the pretty, sunny days, I think I'm going to start laying out in the sun to fix my horrid farmer's tan. I'll read or listen to music or do Sudoku or something, but I'm going to need to find some things to do while I wait to hear from Verizon. I'm going to apply at some other stores, too, though. I want two jobs, I think.
I'm going to be selling Cutco again, probably. Only to the people that I know want more, though. My mom has a few friends that have asked her, so I could probably make a thousand dollars just one two or three sales, which is kind of cool. I also want to get my yiayia an update on her set--she needs a bigger one. Haha. And don't think I've forgotten that I'm going to get your mom a new knife every year for Christmas. That's going to be my thing for her. I think come this Christmas, I'm going to get her the full set of table knives. You guys need some good steak knives in your house. I'm really glad your mom likes them, though. I hope she still uses them!
This letter is getting to be a lot longer than I intended, so I think that I'm going to stop here and let you go to bed, or whatever. I might go ahead and write you an actual letter so that you can hear some of this stuff sooner rather than later. Have a great night, okay? I love you so much.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
7:08 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Dear Julio,
Ever since I've been home, I feel like I have more time on my hands. I mean, I do have more time on my hands. Time to read, time to write, time to watch TV. Right now, I'm watching
Remember the Titans, one of my favourite movies. I've written you two letters today. I have time to write more. I even have things in mind that I would say. Like, how I know where
I would want us to go on our first vacation. And how much I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.
And how I can't stop thinking about how you're going to prove your love for me. Are you really going to propose? Or am I going crazy?
I'm trying my hardest to lose weight. Maybe I want to pick where we go on our first vacation. I have to be honest, though... My close aren't starting to fit any more loosely than they did at the beginning of the summer. And I can't run, because of my ankle. I think I'm going to go biking once or twice a week, though. With my Dad. I'm going to start asking him if he wants to bike on Wednesdays and Sundays with me. And I think I'm going to walk around the neighborhood every night. Around twilight, so that I can watch the sun set and the moon rise.
I think about you all the time. It's getting ridiculous how much I miss you. But I'm learning to deal with it. Reading
Dear John, honestly, kind of helped me. It's told from John's point of view, so he talks a lot about the Army and a lot about how much he misses Savannah, who is the girl he's in love with for the whole book. It really is a cute book, but I don't think you would like it anymore, and it makes me seriously sad. Really, seriously sad. I've cried so many times while reading this book. But my time was well-spent reading it. Nicholas Sparks is an incredibly writer. Granted, he writes all romance novels... But his writing is stunning. Glorious. So profound and incredibly told. His writing captivates me and I find myself lost in his fictional worlds.
But enough about my reading. The sad part is that I have nothing else to say, really. I really only tell you everything important. I mean, I guess I could tell you that my brother accidentally dropped Kali yesterday... She's been limping ever since. I'm going to take her to the vet tomorrow. And I did something to my
other ankle. It hurts. A lot.
Other than that... I'm sort of out of things to say right now. But... I think I'm going to go finish
Dear John... And then I'm going to write. Be proud of me, baby. I feel like writing again. (:
Love and miss you,
Nicole
9:59 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Dear Julio,
I went home today. I'm actually sitting in my family room right now with my parents and my brother. We're watching
Definitely, Maybe. I've never seen it before, but it's really cute. It's another one of those romantic comedies that you know I love so much. It's not as full of comedy as most of the ones I like are, but it's still a really cute romance story.
Like
Dear John, which I'm reading right now. Remember when I told you that? It's a really, really good book. I want to see the movie. I was going to buy it. But I don't know if I should. And I really want you to see it with me. So much of it sounds like... Well, you. It's told by John's point of view. I think you would like it. I know you're not really into sad things or romantic books or anything like that, but he talks a lot about the Army and he talks a lot about Army life and he talks a lot about... Being in love.
Julio, you don't know how much I love and care about you. Seriously, you really don't. You are my one and only. I would be nothing without you by my side. And I'm really sorry that all I ever talk about is lovey-dovey stuff with you. But there's not much else I can tell you. I do the same exact thing every single day, so you really don't care about it.
But I cry all the time. I try not to. I seriously try not to. I know how much you hate when I cry, but I can't stop. I miss you so much. You're the only person I actually
need in my life, and you're the only person that can make me feel so many different things at one time. I love you so, so much. Be with me forever. Please. It's all I want.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
9:48 PM
Friday, June 18, 2010
Dear Julio,
I'm so ready to get out of here. I'm getting tired of working at Cedar Point. I just want to go home. I want nothing more to be back in my own bed, my comfortable queen-sized bed with the comfy pillows and my fluffy puppy. But you know what I want the most? You. I just want you in my arms, so I can hold you tight and give you big hugs and kisses and I want to feel your hand in mine and your lips on my cheeks and my forehead and my hair and my jaw and my nose...
I just want you back. I want you here with me. I'm tired of missing you.
I leave here tomorrow. I leave here and I'll go home where there are all these memories of you. Do you know how bad it hurts when I hear a song, or walk into Chipotle, because it reminds me of you? And thinking of you makes me sad sometimes, because you're not here to be with me, and you're not here to hold me and love me. You're in South Carolina. I do hope you're still loving me, at least... I'm sure as hell loving you still.
Don't leave me, Julio. I don't know what I would do without you here.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
4:40 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Dear Julio,
I'm in the middle of my split right now, and again I'm at Panera Bread. Their internet is really good and really fast, so I like it here. The food is also really good, so that's a plus. I just called my mom and I ordered her the Back to the Future trilogy on DVD for my dad for Father's Day. I bought him 2012 on Blu-Ray and the Blu-Ray and DVD combo pack of Avatar. It cost me over fifty bucks, so he better be happy with it. Actually, what would have made him happy was my credit card paid off. That will happen when my next paycheck comes, though.
I'm downloading music. Lots and lots of popular stuff that I've been starting to like, lately. Man. I know I don't like rap very much, but since he's been gone, I'd forgotten how much I love Eminem. He's got this new song with B.O.B. and Hayley Williams (from Paramore!) and it's awesome. Airplanes Part 2. You'll hear it eventually, if you haven't already.
I have to go back to work in an hour. I'm not really excited about that. All I'm excited about is getting to listen to the radio on the way back. I like a lot of this popular music lately, it's scary.
I miss you a hell of a lot, you know that? It's so weird without you here by my side. I just keep telling myself that you'll be here soon, and I won't have to miss you anymore. I really hope you want to come back to me. It'll hurt so bad if you stay away forever. I can't be without you.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
8:25 PM
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Dear Julio,
I worked an O-6 at the Giant Wheel today. And I learned how to operate Troika. That was a lot of fun. I had an awesome day. Even though Jessie was upset about the keys and everything, it was still a really good day. I don't have much to report, except for the fact that recently I've been going to Panera to get internet to post these things for you. I did tell you that I would write to you every day, and damnit, I will. Every day. Forever and ever. Well. That second part is about you and me. Haha.
I love you so much. I got your third letter today. It couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I sent you two letters yesterday, and one letter today. I'm thinking about writing you another one and sending it to you tomorrow, depending on when I work tomorrow. I still don't know, because Jessie had to remake the schedule, because we're getting two new people. Awesome.
I don't know what else to tell you, except for that I miss you. It's now one month, three weeks and five days until I get to see you, and you have no idea how excited I am that I get to go with your family to see you graduate! I need your help finding out what we're doing, though, because I'm moving into the house on August 9, you graduate August 11, and I have band camp starting August 13. So... We kind of have to schedule around that, unless your parents just want me to drive down myself. You could have them call me, or something...
I also still haven't heard about that job at Verizon. I was going to call today, but I forgot. I have to look up the phone number there and give them a call. If they were desperate for employees, don't you think I would have gotten a call about the job yet? Anyway. I'm going to call them to see if they even got my application. I hate doing online applications--I feel like they never go through.
I'm glad you're having a good time at basic, baby. Keep making me proud. You're in my heart, mind and prayers every day, and I never take off your necklace unless I'm working, so I always have you with me. Keep writing, and call me soon. I love you with my whole heart. Don't stop loving me while you're there. You know I need you.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:16 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Dear Julio,
I went to supervision today to get this whole thing cleared up. I went to work early in the morning to talk to John, because he opens every day, and I started out with the drama situation. He told me that Kevin barely talked to him about the situation, and he never said anything regarding it. Everything Kevin told me was a blatant lie. And that's what made me the most angry today. He told me that he'd get things straightened out, and that if I wanted to be moved, I could be.
When he told me that, I brought up the fact that I'm quitting. He wasn't happy with that, and tried to talk me into staying if I get moved, or even having me work weekends. I told him that neither would really be a possibility, but I'd be willing to stay for the rest of the week. My last official day here is Saturday. Sunday is Father's Day, and I got that contracted off. I at least finished out the week so I would get full pay (and better hours, if I got moved).
He told me that he'd talk to the manager, Debra, and that I should check back in a little later to talk to her and find out where I was working for the second half of my split. I did just that. At 3pm on the dot, I walked back into park ops and found Debra and Michael, the other supervisor. Perfect. I sat down and talked to them. They were super duper pissed that Kevin never came to talk to them about the dramatic situation involving me. So pissed that Michael called Planet and had Kevin come down to the office and wait until they were done talking to me. I told them how uncomfortable I felt there, and they said they would have me moved.
They called John and had him come back to reiterate what we'd talked about that morning. He told his side of the story of the conversation with Kevin, and then Michael escorted me out the back way, because Kevin was waiting at the front desk to talk to them. I haven't heard anything about what happened since then, but I don't care anymore.
I worked the second half of my split and Giant Wheel, and boy, was the crew happy to see me. The TL there, Seth, is one of my favourite people at Cedar Point, and I remember now why I had so much fun there the one day that I worked there. Jessie, the ATL, trained me on controls for Giant Wheel, and at that point, I knew every position at the triangle but Troika, and I'm learning that tomorrow, which should be no problem. The only problem at the triangle today was the fact that someone lost the Space Spiral keys before I got over there. At least it wasn't my fault, so I wasn't blamed. Haha.
Still, I'm happy over there. But I'm still quitting. The Giant Wheel crew is trying to get me to stay, but I don't know if Debra will be happy with me. When I told her I was quitting, she was incredibly unhappy. Well. Fuck her. I never liked her anyway.
I want to go finish my new book,
Jumping Off Swings. It's about a girl who gets pregnant. Seriously interesting. I'm going to go finish it, and post more tomorrow.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
8:07 PM
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dear Julio,
So I didn't get my chance to talk to Kristen today. Instead, I talked to Kevin. That was a mistake. Kevin is the worst person on the planet to talk to about lately. Seriously. I went to talk to him about the situation in the cave, and he gave me nothing. He told me that the idea to talk to the person wasn't a good one, and that he and Kristen were handling things. They went to talk to John, one of our supervisors, and he'd told him to leave everything the way it was. He also said that even if it looks like nothing is going on, they're doing things about it. And then when I asked for an update on the situation, he told me that he wasn't allowed to say anything. That made me really mad. This whole situation is about me, it revolves around me, I should be able to know, right?
Whatever. I'm fed up with this place. Tomorrow, I'm going to John to tell him that I'm quitting, and to tell him that I'm filling out a paper for harrassment on whoever the fuck said this about me. I don't even have anything else to say. I'm just so angry. So. Fucking. Angry.
Love you,
Nicole
11:53 PM
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Dear Julio,
I pretty much had to race out of my house this morning. I had to go back to work at 1:30pm, and I worked until close, which sucked. You won't believe what happened to me while I was there. You're going to think this is absolutely ridiculous, I swear.
I get back from my break, and I go into the cave, and there's no one there. I drop my stuff and go over to Road Rally and make a few calls to find out where he is. When I get a hold of him, I ask him where he wants me. He says to just wait in the cave. I think that's weird because he never asks me to do that, and I think I'm in trouble for calling to ask. I didn't know what he was doing or what he wanted, but I just went into the cave and waited.
Kristen and Kevin both came in at the same time (my TL and ATL) and they started crossing off the break sheet, sending more breaks and telling the other people waiting in the cave where to go. I just sit there, like I was told, and I feel like I've been ignored. I don't complain though, because any second I'm not working is a good second. I just continue to sit there until they notice me.
When everyone has left the cave but us three, they both look at me. Kevin goes, "So you're probably wondering why you haven't been getting any in-charge time lately?" I told him that I was, but I probably knew the reason. Did I tell you about the day that I misplaced the keys? Well, I thought that was the reason I hadn't been put in charge. It was either that or the fact that I sprained my ankle and left Planet for a week.
Kristen says, "Kevin heard something about you from some people on the crew, and we just wanted to make sure if it was true or not." This weirds me out a little bit, because what about me could have them concerned? Kevin goes, "I heard from someone that you wanted to have sex with some people on the crew." Here, my heart drops. Are you kidding me? Me? Have sex with people on the crew? No. Freaking. Way.
I look at both of them, and go, "
...What?" My heart is pounding a mile a minute and I'm freaking out. Who said this about me? Any why would they say it? "You guys know that I'm in a very serious relationship, there is no way that I could have said that!" I continue. They exchange looks and look back at me. Kristen says, "I didn't say it was true, we just had to make sure before we gave you anymore in charge time. Because if it
were true, we'd have to get you moved."
"I. Did. Not. Say. That." Why in the world would I say something like that? Julio, I love you, and you only. Only you. No one else. They all know this. Everyone on my crew knows this. I argue with them a little bit more about it and then suggest, "Would it be at all possible to, you know, talk to the person who said this about
why they would say it, and have the two of you there?" Kristen thinks it's a great idea. But Kevin, not so much. He says, "We're going to talk to supervision about this, and then I'll let you know. I've already talked to John and we'll figure things out. We just had to get to the bottom of it, and make sure it's not true."
Kristen says, "Don't let this affect you, you know it's not true, and it'll be okay." How can I not let this affect me? You don't know how upset I was. I almost cried. I really, really almost cried. And I let her know that I was seriously upset about this. Still, they made me go back to work and I had to put a false smile on my face. Whatever. I got paid to be there. Shit pay, but I still got paid.
Later that night, when I got off work, I offered this kid on my crew, Bernard, a ride home, because he needed one. In the car, I told him about it and he goes, "Yeah, I heard some people talking about that." I asked him what else he'd heard and he goes, "Just that you like Howdy. Like, that." That infuriated me. No way did I like Howdy. Howdy and I aren't even friends anymore. And don't you even start with you're "HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY" shit, because that wasn't funny.
I went back into my room and I told Jaime and Sarah about this. Jaime goes, "Nicole, you know that's harrassment, right?" I paused. I could file a claim against that. At the time, I thought I would. Now, not so much. All I know is that tomorrow, I'm going to talk to Kristen and see if I can get my chance to talk to whoever the fuck is talking shit about me. Because the fact that the people on my crew think this way about me makes me seriously uncomfortable.
Love and miss you, baby, (and only you, no one else!)
Nicole
12:41 AM
Dear Julio,
My mom woke me up this morning at 10:30am with a text, asking me if I was coming home yet. I texted her back that I was still sleeping and she apologised. After that, I just got up and got dressed, didn't bother to shower, and packed up my things to go home. I tossed my laundry in a basket, put my computer in my bag, and just threw them all in my car and started my hour and fifteen minute drive home.
It didn't take me too long to get back, I raced a little bit. But when I got home, it just felt right. I did miss being home. Maybe because I don't have anything distracting me from my loneliness at Cedar Point. Maybe because I hate Cedar Point. Maybe because you're not with me. You know that with you is my favourite place to be. I wouldn't rather be anywhere else than in your strong, supportive arms. I love you.
I actually didn't go home first; I met my mom at the mall and we went shopping together. I bought new shoes (Shape-Ups), and these things called Silly Bandz. Have you heard of them? They're rubber bands that form shapes, and all the kids these days wear them as bracelets. Apparently, they're the new mainstream thing. But they're really cool. I have a saxophone one for you, and I'm saving it just for you. No one else can have it. (People trade these things like Pokemon cards. It's ridiculous.)
My mom also treated me to lunch at Five Guys. She offered to get me Chipotle since she knows I've been craving it for so long, but I told her that it was all right, because I know she doesn't like it that much. I know she loves Five Guys, so we got that instead. I love those burgers. Remember that time we went? That was so much fun. I miss us doing things together like that. You do realise that I spent almost every day this past school year with you? Having that and then nothing really sucks. Bad.
After the mall, she took me to Borders and bought me two books. I bought myself one. I bought
Dear John,
Julie and Julia and
The Sky is Everywhere. You know how much I love books. I wish I had more time to read. I miss reading. I did happen to finish
If You Have to Cry, Go Outside, though. It didn't really help me as much as I thought it was going to. It was mostly her autobiography, which I didn't care about reading. She's a fashion PR. Definitely not interested in that. But she did give some good advice from time to time.
After Borders, Mom took me home and I didn't really do much. I did talk to my family for a while, though. They told me about Mr. Lydecker (my high school band director) having his retirement banquet last night, and I'm really sad that I didn't get the chance to go home. Apparently a lot of the kids from my class were there, and they showed old banquet skits and I was just sad that I couldn't go to say bye, and the like. But it's okay, I guess.
For the rest of the night, I sat and watched the
Grey's Anatomy episodes that I had missed while I was at school and Cedar Point. The finale was ridiculous. A guy from a previous episode, whose wife had gone into an irreversible coma, shot up the hospital, and killed like seventeen people. He even shot Derek, the Chief (that's Patrick Dempsey) before killing himself. I cried like four times, but by the last half hour, I couldn't stop. It was ridiculous.
I'm writing you now after watching that, and... I don't really know what else to say. I just watched an episode of a lunatic shoot up a hospital, one of the safest places in the world, and I just feel sad. I feel sad because you're gone. I feel sad because I hate my job. And I especially feel sad because you're gone.
Come home to me, baby. You can't be having that much fun.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
2:47 AM
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Dear Julio,
I was going to wake up at 10pm so that I could get ready and meet my crew at park ops at 10:30pm, but I forgot to set an alarm. Lucky me woke up right at 10:27pm and rushed to get dressed and hurried out the door. I was on my way over to park ops when I got a text from Kristen, my TL, asking where I was; I said I was on my way and she just told me to meet them at the Ghostly Manor.
When I got there, only two other people were there, and we sat there for a half hour waiting for everyone to show up. Guess who didn't? Kevin. My ATL. The guy who made me stay, not go home, so that I could go to the crew outing. We only have fifteen people, out of thirty-two, go to the crew outing. It made me really angry. Luckily, I was friends with most of the people that did go, and we ended up having a great time.
After the haunted house, which was seriously creepy, in a fun way, we argued about where to go to dinner. Keep in mind, it was 12am by the time we were done with the house, and most of the places around here were closed. We tried Burger King; closed. We tried this awesome place called the Thirsty Pony; they weren't serving food anymore. Then we decided on the only 24-hour restaurant by the dorms: Dianna's. It's a cute little Greek restaurant that serves the best peanut butter pie I've ever had in my life. And it's cheap!
I sat down with Gaby, Gaby, and Maria. Gaby #1 is on our crew, as is Maria, and Gaby #2 is Gaby #1's best friend. All three are from Ecuador. They are so interested in you and how we're together and things like that. They're even teaching me Spanish so I can talk to your parents a little bit better. Well. More understand than talk; I'm still not very good at that.
After a while, we ordered (I only got peanut butter pie; I wasn't hungry) and then we waited for our food. A little bit after we ordered, our waitress comes by and looks at the Gabys and says, "There are two chefs back in the kitchen that are willing to buy you two cake. Let me know what you'd like after you get dinner." I cracked up laughing. If you saw these two girls, you would understand why. They're gorgeous. So, so gorgeous. Especially Gaby #1, the one I work with.
They ignore the waitress while we're all laughing, and we just continue to talk about things while we wait for our food. Our food comes a little bit later, and we start eating. I eat my pie slowly, because the three girls asked for tastes and I said I would save them each a bite or two. In exchange, Gaby #1 gives me a potato skin and Maria gives me fries, both of which I'm not hungry enough to consume. But while we're eating, our waitress comes back again and drops a receipt in front of Gaby #1. It flops down upside down. But apparently, that was the side that she was supposed to see. The cook named Marcos wrote down his phone number for her.
Let me tell you, that was the highlight of my week. Everybody on the crew laughed this time, and she started making fun of them, telling them that maybe Marcos had meant to give his number to Andy, or something like that. Nonetheless, it was amusing.
After dinner, I gave a few kids a ride home and then I came back to my room, where I now sit at 2:30am writing you a letter. Awesome, huh?
Love and miss you,
Nicole
6:41 PM
Friday, June 11, 2010
Dear Julio,
Never have the words "thank God it's Friday" meant so much to me. I worked from early open to 6pm today, and it was the longest O-6 shift I've ever had. All I wanted was to get out of Cedar Point to get my chance to go home to see my family and relax for a little bit. Too bad I didn't get that. My ATL told me on my way out that I wasn't allowed to go home tonight because I had to go to the crew outing--he was trying to get the whole crew there. I agreed after a little bit of arguing, and then I went back to my room.
Now I'm here, writing to you, and I don't have much to say. I actually think I'm going to go read the rest of my book and then take a nap. I've been taking a lot of naps lately. They're wonderful and make me feel great after a long day's work. We should take more naps, more often.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:04 PM
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Dear Julio,
I really, really dislike this job. I'm getting ready to quit already. I could quit within the next couple of days if I really wanted to. I'm ready to just drop everything and leave Cedar Point. Especially when I constantly work 11:30am to close shifts. I hate it. I hate working for ten hours and only getting an hour break. I'm tired of waking up early every morning to go late to bed every night. I'm just sick and tired of everything that has to do with Cedar Point, except for the fact that I rode all those roller coasters for the first time with you by my side, holding my hand, telling me to open my eyes and enjoy the ride.
I miss you telling me all those things. And I miss you telling me you love me. And I even miss you telling me how bad my job sucks. Because now I know how much my job sucks and I want to quit so badly, but I haven't heard back from Verizon yet. I really need another job. I can't quit Cedar Point until I have another job secured. I can't go throughout this entire summer without having a job. I need money. And I'm not going to sell knives again this summer. I won't.
I don't really have much to say today. Nothing really happened, except for I worked all day and I hated it. That's pretty much it. I just want you to know that I love you. And that I miss you. And that I just want you to come home to me. I know you can't just up and leave the army, but I want you home. I want my baby back. You're mine--I deserve to have you, don't I? Though, I am very proud of you. I pray for your health and well-being every night and every day, and I hope that you're doing okay. I love you so much, baby. Keep making me proud.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:34 PM
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Dear Julio,
I went shopping with Sarah today. Well, I mean, I wouldn't consider it shopping, exactly, because we both had no money. We just walked around the mall and talked and looked for stationery. And we spent a good amount of time in Border's, just looking at books. You know I love just looking at books. I wrote down a few titles that I want to look at within the next couple of days. I might have my mom buy me a couple when I go home on Saturday. I get Saturday off, so I'm planning on going home Friday night and then staying until Sunday morning, when I have to go back to work at 1:30pm. Which is sad. I dread work so terribly lately.
Speaking of dreading things, I have a funny story to tell you. Did I mention that Sandusky has no Chipotle? You have no idea how much I have been dying to get ahold of a seriously amazing steak burrito from Chipotle lately. I need my weekly Chipotle fix. It's like a drug that you've gotten me addicted to. From us having it at least once a week, I've come to expect it every now and then, you know? But the point of the story here is, that Sandusky has no Chipotle. Stupid little fuckers.
They do, however, have a Qdoba. Sarah had only been there once in her entire life, and Jaime told us that it was really, really good and it was worth the visit and the money. So where did Sarah and I decide to go for lunch? Qdoba.
So we go inside, and it looks, I swear to God, exactly like a Chipotle. We walk up to the counter and the lady asks us what we want, and we both look at each other. We didn't know how it worked, how we ordered, or what they even had! So she asked us if we wanted salads, tacos, burritos, what. We both got burritos. First off, Qdoba steams their tortillas, rather than pressing them, like Chipotle. Their tortillas get hard fast and they break easily (and they don't rewrap or double wrap!)
They had pork, beef, steak and chicken, just like Chipotle. So I got steak. The one thing that they have different? Sauces. They have sauces
and salsas. I opted to get queso on mine, because it looked yummy. So then I go down to the salsa, and they have all the same ones as Chipotle. So I get corn. Then sour cream, and cheese. I ask for extra sour cream, and I still get less than a regular portion of sour cream at Chipotle. And it's thick, not runny like Chipotle. And the girl wrapping the burritos? She sucked. Both of ours ripped, and we couldn't get rewraps without being charged.
(If you couldn't tell yet, my first Qdoba experience was pretty bad.)
We didn't get chips, so we quickly paid and sat down to eat. It looked pretty good from the outside. So we bit in, and then made faces at each other. It was bland, disgusting, and flavourless. Even the hot sauce that they had there wasn't spicy! I'm used to Chipotle burning your mouth and having to drink two cups of water with one burrito and a bag of chips. I ate my whole Qdoba burrito without taking a single sip of my water. It was just gross. Within the last couple bites, I thought I was going to be sick. It just tasted horrible. Ugh.
Remind me never to take you to Qdoba. Let's stick to Chipotle, please. (I still haven't had any since we went last, you know. It sucks.)
Love and miss you,
Nicole
10:09 PM
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Dear Julio,
The internet is still off in the dorms. It's really irritating. Right now, I'm sitting in the employee rec center with Jaime, and we're trying to connect to the internet. Right now, the wireless isn't liking us too much, but we're trying.
Ha! After fifteen minutes of useless wasted time trying to connect, I went under diagnostics and connected to the rec center internet! Yay me! So I got up the last four posts under the right day and time and now you can read them. Yay. (:
But anyway. I had a pretty miserable day. I was sad and upset for the entire day, and it was just bad. At least I got to leave two hours early. To be incredibly honest, I'm kind of forcing this letter. I don't really know what to talk about. I have things I could tell you, but I know you would find them uninteresting. I guess I'll just tell you that I love you and that I miss you. Sarah and I are about to play Bingo. Ha. I'll let you know if I win. Call me soon!
Love and miss you,
Nicole
10:51 AM
Dear Julio,
So they shut off the internet in the dorms again. It's driving me nuts that they do this like, once every week. And then we're without internet for the rest of the week, and it just drives me insane. The past two letters and this one have been written in TextEdit and then posted at the same time, I just edited the dates because I had it recorded. I promised you that I would write every day, and I am. I know I'm supposed to be detailing what happened in my days, but I feel that telling you what has happened isn't as important as what I'm feeling.
Seriously. Would you rather I say what time I woke up and that I haven't had breakfast yet? I mean, I'm sure you'd rather like to hear what I'm thinking and feeling, right? At least I would hope so. Not that the rest doesn't matter at all, but you know what I mean.
I'm just fed up with not having internet. They want me to go all the way to the rec center and sit there to get internet. It's a waste of time to have to walk all the way over there when I get internet perfectly fine in my own dorm room, provided that the internet is on and working. Whatever.
So I've had my iTunes on shuffle, and I've been listening to it a lot lately. It seems that like every single sad song about love and love lost and a love gone away pops up. It's not even fair. So I've been making a list of all the songs that relate to what I'm feeling, or just remind me of you. There are even legit happy songs that I've put down on a separate list that remind me of you, like Blah Blah Blah. Every time I hear it, I think of you singing your favourite part. Haha.
I'll give you the list when you come back. Or better yet, I could make you a CD. But I doubt you want a CD of all the sad, sappy love songs that remind me of you while you're away. So I might just make you a CD of the happy ones that do. Okay? (:
I got through one day of not talking to you. But you know that I freaked out on Sarah last night for not taking out the trash. All my sadness and anger is just bottling up and unleashing, because I have nobody to talk to about it. I'm sure all my friends around here are sick of me talking about you and how you're gone and how much I miss you. I've even been telling guests. You know, when they ask what roller coaster they recommend or something, I start off with, "You know, I wasn't a roller coaster person until…" And tell they whole story. The sad part, is that they actually listen and respond. It's interesting that you can sometimes find comfort in a stranger.
I'm about to go to work here in a couple minutes. I think I'm getting more and more excited about leaving Cedar Point and working at Verizon. I really hope I get the job. I kind of just want to get out of here and go back home. I feel like going home would bring me closer to you, even though it might hurt worse, because more there reminds me of you than here.
But the silly thing is, every time I look at Top Thrill Dragster towering above the park, all I think about is sitting on the platform with you, watching the trains go by and looking for our friends in the big, huge crowd. And I remember holding your hand as we boarded the train and shutting my eyes and screaming and squeezing your hand tight as we were launched off. I remember you saying, "Nicole, open your eyes! Keep your eyes open, look around!" and I remember telling you that I wouldn't. The same thing goes for Millennium. And Magnum. Especially Magnum. That long way up the hill, you had me keep my eyes open and look around as we raced through Soak City.
I'm tired of missing you. You've been gone for a week. I got to see you a week ago. A week ago, you cried because you were leaving me. A week ago, we walked through Legacy Village and spent $100 on a wonderful dinner. A week ago, I wished that day wouldn't end, and that you could just sit in my car and hug me and hold me for the rest of the night. A week ago, I didn't want you to leave. Today, I just want you home.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:20 PM
Monday, June 7, 2010
Dear Julio,
Today is the first day that you and I have had no contact whatsoever. I wrote you another letter, much like the apologies that I wrote in my blog letter to you last night. You have no idea how bad I felt after you told me that us breaking up would tear you apart. I love you so much, and I didn't mean to hurt you, if I really did. I hope you know that. At least, you'll know that when you start reading my blog of letters to you.
I took a piece of paper and a pen with me to work today, intending to write down story ideas so I could get back into writing, like you told me. That's not what I used that paper for. Instead, I vented on it. I wrote what I was feeling. How much I missed you, and what was going through my head. Do you want to know what it said?
"I feel less happy, all the time, since Julio's been gone. I feel like I could break into tears at any given moment, and that I won't be happy anymore until I see him again. I feel forever saddened. I feel like even the smallest thought of him or us or something could make me burst into tears; one thought could break me and rip me and tear me up inside with how bad I miss him. Everything reminds me of him. Absolutely everything. And thinking about him makes me miss him, and missing him makes me sad and upset. And I'm just so sad, all the time. So, so sad."
That's what I feel, every second. Like I could burst into tears just because our song pops up on shuffle on my iTunes, or the reed that you used for testing out saxophones is still sitting above my cup holders in my car. Or even just the thoughts of how it's going to be when I see you again make my stomach turn and twist in ways that make me so sad, and impatient. I'm so impatient, Julio. I just want this all to be overwith. I want the next five and a half months sped up so I can just see you. Even just the next two months and two days would be okay. Please.
But we all know that it's impossible to speed up time, so I'll just sit here and continue to be sad. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Just your face, your voice. And I'm even less happy because the last thing we did was have a fight, before you had to stop talking to me. I hate that we had a fight. And it's all my fault, and I'm so, so sorry. I don't' know what to do. I'm tired of crying, and I'm tired of missing you. I'm ready to come down to Fort Jackson, South Carolina and just drag you home with me. I want you back so badly. I miss you so much. I would legitimately quit my job just to be with you. I miss you, Julio. I need you here, always.
Promise me that we'll be together forever, and don't ever leave me. I don't know what I would do if you actually left me. You're all I have. I need you. All my anger and frustration and sadness has been building up lately, and I just took it all out on Sarah. I feel horrible. It's all because I'm too lazy to take out the trash, too. Like, she said she would do it because I gave her chocolate, or something, and she hasn't done it, and it bothered me, and I yelled at her. She freaked out because I never yell at her. The trash still hasn't been taken out, and my feet are killing me and I'm about to go to bed. So I'm not doing it.
But whatever. That's not the point of this letter. The point of this letter is that I need you here, always. You being away upsets me so much. I know I'll get used to you being gone soon, and it will all be okay eventually, but I need you so badly right now. I just want to feel your arms around me and your lips on my forehead. I want one of your famous hugs, and your soft, sweet kisses. I want to fall asleep in your arms and cuddle with you in your bed. And I want to hold your hand and squeeze it tight and never let it go, so you know that I do love you, and I do want to be with you forever.
I want so much, but I can only have so little. Why does it have to be like this? Just come back to me already. You can't be having that much fun, can you?
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:24 PM
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Dear Julio,
Let me just start this letter by telling you that I am so, so sorry. I know that I freak out sometimes, but today you just went a little bit too far. I don't like Sarah like that, Julio. I'm in love with you, and there is no way that I could do those kinds of things with her. And I still consider that cheating, whether or not you give me permission to. I love you and you only. I want you to remember this. Forever.
So I got out of work early today. I was supposed to work from 9:30am to 6pm, but I got off around 12pm because there were so little people in the park that they gave me the rest of the day off, because I was going to be the first one to leave that night anyway. So I know I got a few hours cut out of my schedule, but it was nice to have a break. I got to sleep after losing so much sleep last night from the tornado sirens.
Those stupid things went off at 3:30am and they woke me up. I couldn't get back to sleep at all after that happened. Maybe it was insomnia, or something, but I just couldn't sleep. And I kept having thoughts about you. I knew you were up right then, and I was wondering what you were doing and if you were okay. You know, I wonder that every single day? There are times when you slip my mind--which is good, so I don't get sad--but I do think about you a lot.
I miss you so, so much, baby. I can't wait to see you. Two months and three days. And hopefully I'll be able to come down and see you graduate. I'll talk to my parents, and then probably head down to Akron to talk to yours after I'm done. I really, really hope that my parents are okay with it. It's really important to me to see you, especially when you've been gone for so long.
We just got off the phone about a half hour ago, and I've been thinking. I told you that I was still waiting for you to prove to me that you really love me, and you want to marry me and be with me forever. You told me you would prove it in six months, and that it would be a surprise, but you still have to figure out how to do it. It's been bothering me what the surprise is. The only thing I can think about is a proposal… And as much as I would want that, I want you to know that my parents would completely freak out. At least let me graduate college first, okay? I do love you, and I do want to marry you. But I want to wait a little bit more. Maybe I'll have different feelings in six months, but then again, your surprise might not even be a proposal. So we'll see.
For right now, I'm going to go to bed. I'm so exhausted. I might write you another handwritten letter, too, while I'm at it. I want to apologize again for real, and tell you how much I love and miss you. I know I tell you all the time, but I want you to know that I'm thinking about you, that your'e always on my mind, and that I can't wait to see you in two months. I do love you, baby. So, so much. I hope you're sleeping well; I'm still having problems.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
3:57 PM
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Dear Julio,
I am so ridiculously tired, it's... Well, ridiculous. I was planning on sleeping during my split today, but Jaime and Sarah ended up coming back to the room at about the same time, and instead we sat around and watched the first 3/4 of
The Notebook. It was pretty fun, actually. I know you wouldn't have wanted to watch it with me, though it was Jaime that put it on in the first place.
Work was all right today. Nothing special. I got there around 8 and left around 2 and then went back around 6 and got off around 10. Not too much to tell otherwise. Although, during the first half of my shift, there was this crazy girl. She was like twelve years old, or something, and she crossed through the boat at Ocean Motion, and came over to the control booth, where I was. I was talking about where to put loose articles. You know, bags, hats, cell phones, etc. She comes up the stairs of the booth, looks at me, and holds out her Icee bottle. "Can you hold this?" I gave her a blank stare and she looked at me and said, "Please?" I had to tell her three times that loose articles belong in the yellow bins on the unload side of the platform.
Also, I've been thinking about quitting. I know how happy you would be if I left Cedar Point. I do know they pay me shit. I do love my job here, but I hate the people I work with. Most of them. There are some people that I just love working with. But this job is getting increasingly more stressful, and I don't know if I can handle it anymore. All I know is that I need more money, faster, without the stresses of this job. I can handle stress. I'm not one to fall to pieces when everything goes wrong. But this job is overly, ridiculously stressful, and I can't get out of it except by quitting.
I called my dad today to tell him that I'm not going to have time to get to the bank anytime soon to pay off my overdraft fees, and after we're done talking about that he goes, "You know, you should work at the Verizon store." What? I didn't know what he meant by that, and then he says, "If you by any chance decide to leave Cedar Point, the Verizon store over here is hiring people over 18 with sales experience, and you could probably do a ton better than all of them; it took us two hours before we got any service when we went there for your sister the other day." Okay, sure, Dad. Whatever you want. I got online and applied to the Verizon store. I'll be hearing back soon. I guess if they want me to start ASAP, I might have to quit Cedar Point. At least they'll pay me better there, and will give me less stressful, hectic hours.
I just got off the phone with you. I'm sorry I was so quiet, I didn't really know what to say. I'm excited to start writing to you, though. You texted me your address today. I think the "Fort Jackson, SC" part really made it click in my head that you're not here anymore. I mean, for the entire summer, you've only been a text away. And you were still a text away until you sent me that one, and it told me you're in South Carolina. That scared me for a minute. A few deep breaths later, I was okay, but how am I going to survive for an entire six months with you so far away from me? I can't wait to see you again, baby. Two months, one week and one day. I'm counting down. Actually, if you're graduating on August 11th, now, instead of August 15th, that makes the countdown two months and four days. I do like that a little bit better, but I don't want to get my hopes up if I'm wrong, you know?
I don't really know what else to say. Lately I've been running out of things to talk about, even though so much happens during my day. I mean, most of it you won't care about, but still. You think I could come up with something better than, say, what I had for lunch. It was shrimp Ramen, by the way. With hot sauce. And then I had some nachos when I got hungry a little bit later. Oh, speaking of hungry! I'm going to go eat. Haha. I'm starving. (:
Love and miss you,
Nicole
11:07 PM
Friday, June 4, 2010
Dear Julio,
So I forgot to tell you yesterday how my ankle had started bothering me again. But before you get mad, it wasn't my fault. Seriously. I worked from 9:30am to 5:30pm and only got a one hour break, and I didn't get any time at Ocean Motion to sit. Actually, wait. Now that I type that out, I think I did tell you about it. But anyway. The point is, my ankle flamed up again. It started swelling and it really bothered me. It hurt like crazy! (I also just realised that I was going to tell you all this yesterday. At least, I started to, but then I lost track of what I was saying and went off on a tangent somewhere else.)
Anyway. So remember when I told you I went to my supervisor? Yeah, I called him today at work to come over and talk to me, and he came over and talked to me. He goes, "We'll put you at Ocean Motion until I get something else figured out." Okay. So I told Chrystien, who was acting as third in charge because Kristen (the team leader) had the day off and Kevin (the assistant team leader) didn't come in until 1:30. She said she would do what she could. Or, not. She had me in Planet all day. When Kevin got there, I was sent on break, and then my supervisor called and Kevin talked to him. And lied. He told Michael (the supervisor) that I was okay and I was working fine, when I wasn't. I was so, so angry. Like angry to the point that I was about to quit.
But then after a couple hours, I got another break, and then I was put at Kite-Eating Tree, which is my favourite ride to work. And it calmed me down. All of the kids laughing on that ride just makes me happy, I guess. I do love that ride. But I'm so ready to get the hell out of Planet. I was going to go to Park Ops again today and request to be taken out of Planet, but I'm sure that they're getting sick of me coming in every day and begging to leave. But to be honest, I haven't begged, really. I do like Planet. I just had the drama that comes along with it.
So, you texted me today right at 10pm, and I couldn't have been any happier. And when I responded, you said, "Hey, baby girl," and it made my entire night. I "aww!"ed really loud and showed my phone to Andy and said, "I love him so much!" because I really do. I do love you so much. I love you more than you could ever imagine. You are my favourite person in the whole wide world and I can't wait to see you again.
You told me that you wrote me a letter today. You also said that you'd be sending it Monday. I can't wait to get it, though that probably won't be until about Thursday, so it might be a week old by the time I get it. I'll keep that in mind. But actually, you should date your letters. These letters here are dated; you should date yours, too! Not that you can see that advice from this blog right now, but when you text/call me next, I'll tell you, if I remember.
I have a split tomorrow. That's where I go in to work at open and stay until 1:30pm and then I leave for a few hours and come back at 6pm and work until close. I'm debating whether or not I want to ride rides with Seth, or if I want to go shopping. Going shopping would require me getting gas, and that would be a waste of money, especially since I need to go to the bank to give them sixty bucks because apparently, I overdrafted again. Stupid fucking bank. I'm so sick of faulty balances.
But I wanted to go to Aerie and see if they're still having that 5 for $15 sale on panties. I need more boyshorts, because they're awesome to wear under the uniform. (Provided that the uniform isn't old, and it doesn't rub so tough between my legs that it makes me chafe.) I also need Ramen and hot dogs, so I think I might take a trip to Walmart. But I'll decide what I want to do after work tomorrow. I also have to go to wardrobe and get new uniforms. And I might as well go to Park Ops to talk to someone tomorrow to tell them that I want out of Planet, otherwise I might quit. (You would like that, I know.)
So other than that, I don't really have much else to tell you as of right now. I mean, I could tell you some other pointless things like what I ate, what I did during break and when I went to bed, but those are useless. So I'll leave this letter here and go to bed. I hope your phone died and you really didn't hang up on me. That would have sucked.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
9:44 AM
Dear Julio,
I'm currently sitting in my room, waiting for my alarm clock to go off. I still have an extra half hour to sleep, but lately, like I told you in my last letter, I haven't been able to sleep. I've been waking up a lot during the night, tossing and turning, and having to go to the bathroom every like, two hours. I don't know if it's insomnia, or if it's because your gone and that thought is still haunting me. But whatever it is, I hope it goes away, because I want to be able to sleep.
Nothing has really happened since I wrote you my last letter. As soon as I finished that up, we talked on the phone, and then I went straight to bed. So there's not really much I can tell you here except for, "I miss you." That's all I've been thinking. Again, I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Two months, one week and two days." I'll forever remember the countdown you gave me in that text. I even locked it on my phone.
I actually locked a couple of the texts you've sent me. Like how I'm amazing, or how you love me... I just don't want them to get deleted. Sometime within the next couple of months, all the other texts I get will outnumber the ones that are under your name (which are 218, to be exact; you're the person I text the most). I guess I locked them so I have something to look at and remember you by when I'm missing you so badly, and your phone has been taken.
I wish you were here right now. I could use one of your big, soft, sweet hugs. I love the way your arms wrap around me and how my face buries into your chest. And then sometimes you'll give me a kiss on top of my head, and squeeze me tighter. God, I swear I can feel it right now. I wonder if you'll still give the same hugs after you lose thirty pounds? I know you won't have your belly anymore. I like your belly, actually. But I'm cool if you lose it, too. That'll just give me more motivation to lose mine, right? Haha.
I think I'm going to go shower now, though. I mean, I still have fifteen minutes before I legitimately have to get up and get ready, but I have some other things that I could do while I wait for the right time to leave and go to work. You'll get another letter tonight, I'm sure, detailing everything that happened at work.
I know you haven't gone to the base to start training yet, but you're still not here, so I still feel the need to write. Still, babe, make me proud. Do your best and never give up, even if you feel as if you're unable to continue. Just remember that you can do anything that you set your heart and mind to. I'll be here cheering you on.
Love and miss you,
Nicole
8:13 PM
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Dear Julio,
So, this idea may seem a little bit weird to you, but the idea for this blog came from Sarah. She has this LiveJournal account with her friend Liz, where they get to know each other through a game much like our question game. She and I were talking, and the idea came to me that I would make a blog with all of the letters that I would write to you if I could. You told me a bit ago that you wanted to know everything that happened here while you were gone--I felt this was an easy way to detail all of it and not have to keep track of a bunch of papers or get writer's cramp or something like that.
Every day, I will blog a letter to you, detailing everything that happened that day (that I remembered, and that was important enough to write to you about). Most of the things that I write about here, you probably won't care about, but they're things that I feel are worth telling you. You told me you'd like to know everything that happens here, and I am more than willing to divulge. It's up to you, whether or not you want to read it.
I'll start off this letter by telling you that it brightened my day when I got a text from you tonight. After we sent our last texts last night, I thought I wasn't going to get to talk to you again for just over two months, and all I would hear from you would be in your letters. I smiled so huge when I saw that I got a text from you--I looked at my phone, beamed and then shoved it in Sarah's face so she understood why I was so excited. I've been so afraid lately that you would text or call me while I was at work, and I wouldn't get to answer. I'm just glad that I got to talk to you again today, even if it only was through texts and two failed attempts at calling. I wish you had gotten service. I really wanted to hear your voice. And I miss you so much. You don't understand.
I haven't taken off my necklace once. Then again, I haven't had to test ride any roller coasters recently, so that's a plus. I've been keeping your necklace safe. I don't want to wear it to work because its too heavy to wear under my uniform, and I don't want it to get caught on anything. But I wear it to bed at night, and whenever I know that it will be safer around my neck. I never let it out of my sight, and I always have it with me.
I think about you all the time. I woke up this morning and said to myself, "Two months, one week and three days until I get to see Julio." I think that's what got me through today--knowing that I'll get to see you four months sooner than I thought I would.
Speaking of getting through today, I had it tough. I was on my feet all day today, from 9:30am to 5:30pm. My ankle was killing me by the end of my shift. I went to Park Operations and talked to my supervisor about my ankle; he told me to come in tomorrow at 11:30am for work, and that he'd switch me to another ride, like Giant Wheel, where I get a couple positions to sit at. I was okay working at Blue Streak for long hours because every half hour I would get to sit down for a little while, and sometimes they would let me just sit at crowd and relax.
But today, I was at Woodstock's Whirlybirds twice. Not only is that the only ride without any shade from the sun whatsoever, it's also the
only ride that the foot pedal is on the right side. It's my right ankle that I hurt, remember? And I got zero time at Ocean Motion, which is the only sitting spot that we have. And my ankle? It started swelling up again today, because I was on it for eight straight hours. I got an hour break, but I had to run around during it again. I ran back to my dorm, grabbed a couple things, had a quick lunch, and then ran back to work. Seriously, an hour break is shortened to possibly twenty minutes when you have to drive to and from the point.
So, right now, I'm sitting on my bed with Sarah. We were talking for a little while, and then we stopped so I could get this first post typed up. We're just listening to music and having fun. I was texting you for a little while, and then you said "brb" and stopped. I dunno where you went or what you're doing, but you're taking a long time. You could possibly have brb'ed for the entire summer, but I wouldn't know that. Hopefully we'll get to talk again soon. Like, withing a few minutes kind of soon.
I'm also running out of things to tell you. I mean, I guess I could tell you about the one girl in our Planet crew that is causing problems--talking behind everyone's back, being rude, and just completely bitchy to everyone, but that's not necessary. You hate drama, so I'll spare you. I wish I could be spared, too. Drama here is worse than high school sometimes. Ugh.
So I work starting at 11:30am tomorrow; it'll be nice that I get to sleep in for a little. Hopefully I can actually sleep. I haven't been able to for the past couple of nights. I think the idea of you being so far away haunts me, or something like that. Really, I just wish you were here right now. I miss your hugs. And your kisses. And the way that you tell me you love me. And missing you this bad and thinking of all these things might possibly make me cry, but I'm not going to, because you told me to stay strong. I'm staying as strong as I can. I really am.
The last time I cried for real was when you started crying in the car. That scared me so badly, you have no idea. I guess you really do love me as much as you say you do. I wasn't expecting you to cry, or even be that upset. (Hey, you just texted me!) It was actually a comforting feeling to know that you care about me so much. When I say that you have no idea how much I love you, I guess you probably do have some sort of idea, huh? Haha.
So, it's about 9:15pm right now, and you're texting me. So I'm going to end this letter, I think, and lay down in bed and text you. Actually, you just called me. So I'm going to go for sure, and I'll type up your next letter after work tomorrow.
Love and miss you,
Nicole